Conflict Management

One of the modules in my Pathways to Transformational Coaching Program will cover conflict management and recently in Singapore on the radio and as an invited speaker I’ve been talking about positive conflict management. The following notes on understanding and managing conflict at work and in our personal lives may be of interest.

Conflict in itself is neutral

From time to time we all encounter opposition in our personal and professional lives and if this is not handled appropriately, it can turn into conflict. The greater amount and speed of change that occurs around us, the more likely we are to experience opposition and the more likely that conflict will occur. Although the word ‘conflict’ sounds negative - and conflict is very often viewed as always negative - there is much to be gained by accepting that conflict in itself is neutral: it is the impact of conflict that so often is negative in terms of hurt feelings, misunderstanding, physical and emotional illness, and loss of self esteem. However, viewed from a higher perspective, the impact of conflict can be negative or positive, and the choice of how we respond is up to each of us.

Understanding the process can be helpful

Understanding what is going on in conflict situations can make it easier to see what action can be taken to minimize, contain or resolve the conflict. When opposition that could lead to conflict occurs, we can address the situation with more choices. Forewarned is forearmed!

Examined in more detail, most conflicts involve three elements. Stone and his co-authors discuss these elements in fascinating detail in their book Difficult Conversations.

There is disagreement over the facts. Each person has his or her own version. For example, A experiences the door that shut in his face as having been deliberately slammed shut by B. B knows she was in a hurry as she was late for her next appointment and didn’t even notice A.

The different perceptions of the facts lead to different emotional reactions. A may feel insulted or angry at what he sees as a lack of consideration. When B hears about this, she may feel surprised and critical of A as a person who easily takes offence. Neither of them may be comfortable voicing their feelings to the other. And so if further incidents occur, they are likely to be interpreted by each of them in the light of their initial negative perceptions and the conflict escalates.

The third factor relates to our feeling that our self esteem/self identity has been threatened. In many ways this is the key to understanding conflict. A may see the slammed door - perhaps unconsciously - as a personal attack because at some level he already feels undervalued and unnoticed. He may consciously or unconsciously recall similar earlier incidents in which he felt himself to be similarly unfairly treated. The slamming door can simply be ‘the last straw’ as it were. B may become indignant at being labelled a thoughtless and inconsiderate person when she thinks of herself as thoughtful and caring. Both parties to this incipient conflict may find themselves becoming defensive. They naturally try to defend their own interpretation of the events. They defend this interpretation to themselves because they want to see themselves as decent people in their own eyes. They also want others to share this view and so they may focus on explaining to the world at large why their interpretation is the correct one.

What can we learn from this understanding of the dynamics of conflict?

This threefold framework gives us three potential points at which we intervene to de-escalate an incipient conflict.

Interpreting the facts. Unfortunately the facts don’t ‘speak for themselves’. However, people speak. Much research has recently been carried out on the concept of dialogue. I will cover this in greater detail in a later ezine issue. When people start to dialogue, they agree to make their best effort to suspend judgement, defensiveness and attribution of blame while they listen to what the other has to say. This may not be easy, but it has been shown to create positive results. William Isaacs gives many examples of successful dialogue in the workplace in his book Dialogue and the Art of Thinking Together.

Managing the emotions and feelings. This is part of the larger subject of stress management. Here are two suggestions to consider.

• Replace one emotion with another - get curious, not furious! Treat the emotion as a scientific specimen and examine it from all angles.
• Express the emotion without attributing blame to the other. ‘I feel very frustrated when I don’t have up to date information. Please will you copy me the memos you send out to our suppliers.’

Affirming our sense of our own identity and self worth. If we find ourselves regularly in conflict with others at work, we may want to dig a little deeper and ask ourselves what is really bothering us that we are constantly triggered into conflict? Is the work satisfying? Does it give us scope for creativity? Do we feel that we have to leave a part of ourselves outside everyday when we go into work?

A website with many interesting articles on dealing with conflict is www.mediate.com.

In the next issue I will talk about Relationship Awareness Theory and how this framework can give us more choices in our response to conflict situations. Meanwhile, you may like to consider this all too prevalent potential conflict situation faced by many fathers - and some mothers.

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